ir8witch

05:32 pm: Vacation's Over....
......as over as Mike Sherman's job coaching the Greenbay Packers, although my vacation will end far more successful then Shermans's past season. I did not do anything amazing or all that special this vacation but I loved having the time to relax. I could definitely get used to spending my days reading for fun, doing yoga, writing.... I watched quite a few movies, most of which made me cry(I found the extremely empathetic part of me in 2005.), visited family/friends and balanced my checkbook for the first time in 2005. I know people who have gotten bored after a few days of being home. I can't imagine it. I can always find a new project to work on, something new to learn. But back to work tomorrow it is. No more Law and Order marathon's, no more shopping in the early morning, before anyone wakes up, finding the best bargains. I am g\grateful because I begin 2006 completely relaxed & centered. Which is good because there is no time to settle in. I will hit the ground running tomorrow. I have booked a graduation ceremony beginning at 3pm.

Yesterday I spent a good deal of time on Myspace. I looked at the pages of those I knew in middle school, the people I would have graduated with had my family not moved to Santa Maria. Man, I missed out on some seriously hot men moving away for Ventura County. Those middle school boys grew up quite nicely I must say. Men of this caliber were non existent at Righetti High. MMMMM.. Well I guess if I ever run into any of them I can say "I knew them when".

Goodbye Mike Sherman, I will remember you fondly. I did not pay much attention to football this season, it was far to difficult, making me think about my ex more then I would like. So I never so the error of his ways. I like to think that my team, minus my usual support, struggled greatly to receive the four wins that they had. I will be back to cheering next year (although I greatly fear it will be minus Farve as well as Sherman).

07:39 pm: I know I haven't written in my journal in ages. I have not forgotten it, I have instead suffered from a severe case of internet blogitis. Symptoms: blank stare at computer screen when attempting to blog, indifference of the words typed across the screen, in ability to sit at the computer for long amount of time. But, after a long bath, my head is finally clear and I feel I can blog once more.

Today was the day of good news, for all but me that is. I heard news of a couple who got engaged, another coupld who is having a baby and my friend who is getting married found her church. I on the other hand have had no excitement. I have worked as I always do, finished a few projects, nothing special. I could choose to be depressed about this. Instead I choose to believe I am up next. I wonder what is in store for me.

Well I will make this short and sweet, this being step one in my recovery from blogitis.

08:11 am: Yeah, I have just gotten back my first signed contract. I now feel like I am officially the sales coordinator. This wasnt just any contract. It was for one of our big conference rooms and two classrooms. This means I made more in one contract then one of the women who did this last year made in one semester. I have three more contracts out that I am waiting to get backed signed. HMMM I guess that makes me a professional now. In honor of my becoming a women of business, I came to work in a blazer :)

09:34 am: Man I haven't written an entry in ages. I have thought, on many occasions, about sitting down and writing a quick one, but once I get home from work I find myself wanting nothing but dinner and sleep.

Work has been chaotic, our office moved locations and I have spent many hours a day trying to find places for all of our junk. Our new office is much smaller and has no running water. This means I must make coffee at home, which also means dishes need to be washed everyday. On Friday the walls to my cubical were constructed. They were supposed to make my desk into a makeshift office so I can have the privacy I need to do my new job. But instead it looks like a giant box. It blocks all sunlight and air from the office windows and no one can see around it. It is a good thing I have a sense of humor or I would probably have cried. My boss promises me that it must go and she will figure something out.

Today I am off to ride on the Little Engine that Could. It should be a good time. Then I am off to my friends house to eat pizza, drink beer, and ogle her insanely hot, successful brother :)

04:14 pm: I could stand to have more days like today. There wasn't anything overly special about it. Just a early day at the beach with a book and some company. The weather was perfect; slightly overcast but warm and not hot at all. I came home in time to watch the family I live with drive off on their own beach trip. So I jumped in the shower not wanting to waste a moment of my quiet time. I made lunch and now I am watching a Lifetime movie that I was trying to watch for a couple of weeks. I am surprised how much I am enjoying it. I thought I would be annoyed by the actress (Buffy the Vampire Slayers little sister) but I am so drawn into the story, I have barely noticed. I wish everyday could be this low key and relaxed. But tomorrow it is back to the grind.

06:40 pm: Long time.....
Last night I watch "First Daughter". It was like watching Chasing Liberty all over agian. And I am not sure who is happier, Mandy Moore or Katie Holmes. HMMM. Well it did pass the time.
Today to pass the time... Miracle..... I really am becoming sappy.

I was getting ready this morning and was feeling an annoying itch on my leg. I brushed off an ant. Five seconds later I felt the same itch again. Another ant. Thats when I looked on the floor and realized I was standing in a swarm of ants!!! YUCK. Whenever there is construction going on in the neighborhood, the ants come in looking for a new home. Well bully for them it is not my room.

In other news I am switching job positions. I will be planning events soon for our paying customers. I will be somewhat of a sales person which will be interesting. At least it doesnt involve cold calling :) HMMMM its been a long time since I have written. I really should update my journal more often.

08:45 am: Wow a weekend that actually belongs to me. How great. I have no idea what I will do with myself but I am already enjoying it. I awoke this morning from a wonderful dream in which I was participating in the Real World/Road Rules challenge. Eric Nies and I were making out, and not your silly middle school make out session. This was serious, I woke with a wonderful smile on my face :) The sun was already shining as a I got out of bed.

I cant wait to hear the drama from last night. I have lost interest in hanging out with a few friends who are always creating drama, being loud/obnoxious and trying desperately just to fit into the scene. Being with them never made me feel all that great, just shallow and bitchy. Eventhough I refuse to hang out with them, I would still love to hear what happened to the girl who professed all over her myspace page,a crush on this guy who didnt like her. This girl was to get a rude awaking last night when the crush was to bring the girl he was dating to the girls Bday party. Hey, we told the girl that this guy had no interest, it was obvious from the way he acted and my sis knew who he was really dating. But of course she believes all men love her. We'll see what happens to her myspace page now. Then there was the huge fight between my sis and old friend, since my old friend is desperate for attention, she as always lied about a phone conversation that she had with the boy sis is dating. She very nonchalantly told sis how he she had talked to him for a half an hour and he invited her places. That is just really not right. She used to do that to me. She talked to the ex whenever she got a chance and she would just keep the convo going. And then her account of what was said NEVER matches the guys version of the conversation. Why she wastes her time looking for attention from people in relationships is beyond me. I guess it is safer then finding her own. But I digress. So, sis and backstabbing friend were going to see each other for the first time. Now I wonder what went down. While they were all out creating drama, I was at home, reading up on Yoga and then catching up on my most needed sleep. I didn't miss the party at all, which is weird. One of the things that kept me going to all the parties in college was my fear of missing out. If i did not go somewhere it would be all I could think about :) I must be growing up :)

09:47 pm: AHHH my internet is working again. I was not bored without it but I really am a slave to my email. I know that i needed a couple days off but I can have a better time if I know what is happening at work. And the easiest way for me to keep tabs is to read my emails and check for catastrophes. At times I felt I couldnt breath. Hopefully I will never have to go without my internet again. I had a little family fun today. I had a nice dinner with the people I live with and then outdoors to set off some illegal fireworks. The kids enjoyed it and let me know they were very happy I joined them. What a peaceful way to end the weekend. But its back to the grind tomorrow.

08:51 pm: I really should stop finding happiness in others misery. I have been working on making some people angry simply to watch them suffer. And I really really have found much glee in this. My Karma must be taking a beating. I wish my personal pawn much happiness going after the individual who sleeps on a bunk bed.

08:10 am: I haven't written a thing in ages. I have been so tired. Couldn't focus my thoughts.

I feel like the weekend was too short. I am still bitter that work got in the way of my Sunday morning routine. My first call came at 8 am. I was in bed getting ready to start my day when the phone rang. Instead of gradually waking up I had to jmp out of bed and head to the office to give an individual a key to a room that he was supposed to pick up on friday. By the time I got home it was 9:45. My car, having a bad battery, was not going to make it to pick up the Sunday paper which meant no Sunday morning crossword with my coffee :( I was sad but tired and need coffe, so I started to brew a pot, and read my horoscope. One card into my morning tarot reading, the phone rings again, a man had left his passport, wallet and plane ticket in his room when he checked out a day earlier. I had to go back to go find his things for him. I didnt even get to drink my coffee. it was still too hot. By the time i got home, it was noon and my morning was shot.

I was so upset. One of the things I typically like about my job is the fact that I help people. I get great satisfaction from helping people out of jams and making their days better. I was so upset with my morning being ruined I could not even enjoy the happiness of the people that I had helped. That is when I realized, I am too old to be trying to recapture the glory of being a conference assistant again. This on-call business is for the young. I have slide into my management role nicely and want to remain there. It is 8 to 5 Monday to Friday for me thank you.

08:04 am: I feel really worn out. I hope I am not getting sick. The baby is sick. I wonder what happens with weekly visits if we are all sick.

I had a weird dream last night. In it I was friends with Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe. I was at there house and hanging out with their children. Crazy weird stuff. I also dreamed about the office crush and his girlfriend. I was pretending to be her friend. In these dreams I was always single.

So now I am sitting in my temporary office which is really cold. I cant believe people actually live here for two semesters (my temporary office is a dorm room). The lighting is harsh (very fluorescent), it is always either too hot or too cold and the sun never shines here. But one thing that is nice is that I have a little sink in my office. On my sink is my coffee pot :) I feel like a student again, making ghetto coffee somewhere that it was not intended :)

05:36 pm: I actually left the house today for a reason purely selfish. It was all about me. I was not going to save the day at work. I was not doing anything that had to do with a court order. I drove to my friends house in hollywood. We had lunch at the Saddle Ranch (is that one or two words?). Everyone there was super trendy and you could tell that the men were there for the sole purpose of waiting for the women to get drunk on the $9.99 bottomless mimosa brunch. It was definitely a scene that I have been far removed from lately. Watching it today, I am not sure that I will ever be ready to be a part of "the scene" again anytime soon. I do like meeting people. I like knowing that men find me attractive. I like to let loose and have a few drinks. But, smiling that much when a below average prospect comes flirting, and making sure my hair is perfect, drinking more then I intended to, the hangover the next day; it all seems to much. I like my relaxed life. HMMM it might have been the fake Hollywood crowd that bothered me though. I will have to go to the beach in Hermosa soon to test out my theory.

On the plus side, I was able to go out, have a beer and not let it slide into a night of getting sloshed. This means I was able to drive home and I can now spend the rest of the evening on quality me time.

Last thing I feel the need to share: On the way to my friends house, I noticed this cute little yellow car, not older then a 2004, with a license plate reading 4 krma. It was being towed. I found that insanely funny.

07:31 am: My staff brought a very good point yesterday. They asked why they have to where black or khaki pants EVERYDAY when the rest of the staff gets to where whatever they want. I totally agree but could not say anything. I could not tell them that I myself got a wardrobe lecture and that I am also pissed that no one else has to dress nicely. Yes my wardrobe was trashy, but at least I spent time on my makeup and I always looked groomed. My coworkers come in jeans and sweatshirts everyday. How is that acceptable? So I bit my tongue and have to somehow figure out how to say something to the higher ups. ARGHH.

I do not want the weekend to come. I am scared i will have another panic attack. What if my car doesn't work. What if there is a problem at work and I am in Northridge and cant help. I am tired. I want my weekend to be mine again.

11:24 am:

What a weird weekend this turned out to be. I started Saturday with a tarot reading. I thought I could use a little insight as to what is happening to my love life. Every card indicated fear and an unwillingness to let go of the past. HMMMM this does make a little bit of sense, I thought to myself. As I was sitting at my desk contemplating this, a book caught my eye. It had been sitting there for a few months, borrowed from a friend, yet to be read. I suddenly had the urge to pick it up. It was Jenna Jamesons book How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. Once in my hand I couldn't put it down. I read from 10am until 9pm. I found myself being reassured by Jenna's constant struggles. She had started her life over again so many times. If she could fall down and rebuild her life that many times, maybe I too could start over. Maybe I would start on Sunday.

So Sunday comes, it is the babies fourth birthday party and then afterwards my friend is to have a party at her new house. I wake up and start to get ready. Thankfully I pretty much finish when I have to rush to work due to massive key card failure. From there my sister picks me up and we hightail to Valencia's Chuck E Cheese. The party was very difficult. My 4 year old is suffering major stress since forced visitation has started and cannot stand to be around anyone she doesnt know. After an hour of screaming and tears she finally starts to play and have a good time. Around 5 we finally take off. I pick up my car and head to my friends house. I am hoping to meet some new people, laugh and have a conversation with someone who speaks in full paragraphs. This will be my first weekend outing spent with adults. YEAH! To bad the excitement is short lived. I got to my friends house to find the guest had eft and my friend had one too many shots and had puked in her room and then passed out. I spend an hour there with her family watching the football game, waiting for my car to run again (it is having battery cooling issues).

Now it is Monday, Memorial Day. I am working. I have yet to decide if I am going to go to a dodger game with my friend (in this persons case I use the title very loosly). I desperately want to talk to someone my own age but I dont want to be annoyed either. I dont want to shut myself off from the world, but is this need to be around others great enough to spend my evening with soemone who inffuriates me? I dont know yet. I have an hour to figure that out.

05:40 pm: I am in heat. I have looked at every man today as a piece of meet. Ive sized them up, checked outtheir arms, contemplated the look of their abs and have seen flashes of what they would be like in bed. Man it has been awhile. I must go somewhere to get my mind off of men. This kind of thinking will do me no good. The office fling and I have been giving each other the eye lately. But he is dating someone so I know he is just looking for fun. I wish I had someone more fun to look at. But there are slim pickings right now. I am going to go to a house party my friend is throwing. It will be pretty low key. I hope she invited male friends from work or I am s.o.l. Other then that I will be spending this weekend alone. AHHH.

I am very hungry. If I will not be having relations any time soon I will indulge in a pint of ben & jerry's

10:17 am: Since when did I start having panic attacks..... Thats what happened to me during training..... Its happening now.... If I can just make it through today.....

I am starting to feel like my life is literally crashing in on me and is going to bury me alive at any second. Each time I feel like this I can hear my inner voice talking to me. It say "Just keep going". So I do. I wonder why staying in bed and crying is never an option I can consider. Surely it would be easier to just be depressed and stay under the covers. It takes far to much energy to not let the ex get the better of me, to not let him influence my life. But instead I keep expending the energy it takes to keep going and do the things the that I want to. I wonder how long this will go on for. Will this eventually lead to a breakdown? Each time I tell myself ot dig a little deeper, will someday I reach the bottom and have nothing left to dig from? I havent had fun in awhile. Would a little bit of fun be the answer? I am not even sure what fun is anymore. I feel odd. I am feeling strong but angry. Today I would rather be weak.

09:46 am: Its Been Awhile
Wow, I haven't written in a long time. I have been working overtime since last week. Training began on Monday and I was not the least bit ready. I worked all day last Sunday to get my manual done then all night to put together a presentation on hospitality. I was sooo sick that evening. really shaky, a bit dehydrated. It wasnt good. But I pushed through. I didnt sleep well at all that night, in fact i dont think i slept for more then an hour. I was at least happy that since I wasnt asleep, it was very easy for me to get to work by 7 Monday morning. Unfortunately all of this finally caught up to me at 10am when I was starting my presentation. The room closed in on me and everything went black. It is never a good idea to pass out the first day your staff starts. Unfortunately I had to push through the day. I had individual training that afternoon. The rest of the week blurred on. I redeemed myself by going over the incentive program with the staff all by myself. One of my coworkers asked me why I even agreed to present anything at training knowing I do not like public speaking. I didnt really know. I guess I am my own worse enemy when it comes to pushing myself. I worked too much overtime when I am in the middle of a time consuming court battle. But I do not stop. Do what you have to.... thats my motto. But I look at it this way, if I stop because something is hard, well thats the end. Stopping means not moving forward. If I can't speak in front of the staff, then I will never be more then the Office & Registration Supervisor.

I have been well rewarded for my drive to learn more and make each year I work better then the last. On Thursday I recevied what is becoming my yearly merit increase. This is given to any individual who has exceeding expectations as noted on their review. Now that I have received an increase each year I worked to suddenly stop exceeding expectations would be unacceptable. So now I need to come up with some way to make myself better then I was last year.

Now that training is over, and my staff has started off on a high point maybe I can come up with a plan to work on this.Each of my staff help each other instead of letting each other mess up, they question how everything is done and offer better solutions, they ask to learn things. I will definitely not have to be as hands on this year. I need to start finding projects for each of them so they can work on their own and I can work on what I need to get done.

Enough about work. Today is my first day all to myself in a month. I am going to relax, watch some movies and focus on nothing revolving around summer conferences. My final thought, I am disgusted by the new Carls Junior commercial. What part of Paris Hilton grinding on a car simulating sex would make me want to by a burger? How is that proper for TV? This is the second commercial Carls Junior has made that would not at all entice women to their establishment. Are they purposley only targeting men? I am boycotting Carls Junior. They obviously dont want my business.

07:50 am: Fighting Injustice.... One breast at a time
I am sick of my work. After being told that my department is going for a more "professional image" and that my wardrobe may not be "demanding the respect that I deserve," I kinda had the idea that this had more to do with the amount of cleavage that I show/the length of my skirts than any departmental policy. I was told that this little speech was being given to "everyone" that I work with. Well, the next week I knew for sure that this was not the case. My coworker, who is very susceptible to suggestion, and has an odd need to please EVERYONE, continued to come to work in jeans (ratty jeans not fashionable ones) and sweatshirts. She obviously was not told about this departmental image makeover. That is when I knew my feelings were right on the money and I was pissed.

So its been a couple weeks of me being ultra self conscious about what I look like. I do not care to change my image to please others but knowing people are staring at me and talking about me behind my back freaks me out a little. So I do my best to cover "the girls" and look professional. I was doing a good job when yesterday, a now ultra self conscious me is sitting in a the conference room celebrating my co workers birthday when our graduation vendor comes in. He tells everyone that he brought an example of the confetti that they will be using this weekend at graduation. He drops it on the table and everyone starts laughing. It is penis confetti. This seems to amuse everybody. I mention that it is a little shocking for someone to do that at a place of business (we are not this guy's friend) and that it could offend someone. I am then informed by my boss that "they are one big boys club" talking about the crew planning graduation. How is that an excuse, and how is it ok to throw around penises while it is inappropriate for me to show cleavage???

I must fight this injustice. If I am expected to act a certain way, I expect everyone to adhere by these rules. So now I am at work, in a tight red top with a plunging neckline and black push up bra, tight jeans, black boots. Screw you all! I dare you to fire me!

09:12 am: Single in the City

I am reminded of an episode of Sex and the City today.  I was reprimanded by a friend because I did not attend a Bridal Shower Tea Party for another friend.  I was told that I better show up for her Vegas bachelorette party To "Support Her".  This is a girl who has a man she loves and is going to marry, they both have good jobs and they are building a house which will be ready the day of their wedding. Yet, I am supposed to support her?  Who is supporting me?  I rent a room from a family, have just barely enough money to support myself and after I have worked my ass off each day to make that money, I come home to my bottle of wine which pretty much the only comfort I am offered.  Each weekend I have to spend with a man who made my life miserable and now I must watch him do the same to my daughter.  Where is my party?  On Sex in the City, Carrie pondered the same thing.  Who cares about the single girl?  We only celebrate the triumphs of those who have familys.  But they are probably the ones who need it the least. 

So I didnt go to my friends party, I spent the day with a friend who actuals spends the time listening to my problems and does not ignore me because I am hopelessly single.

08:48 pm: What a pleasant Beltane :) The Renaissance Fair was a really great way to celebrate. I feel relaxed and ready to start a new week. We will have to see what happens.